Nick's Gaming Blog

Whater’ Ya Playin’: Apology Edition

Well…some of you are wrapping up Heavy Rain (or your umpteenth play-through of such) or Mass Effect 2, and others might have recently started up Final Fantasy XIII or God of War 3.  A couple of you are working on completely obscure and aged gems like Wild Arms 3 or A Bard’s Tale (if you just so happened to stumble on this “diamond in the rough” as I did…great find on Bill’s part at GameBoss…seriously, even if you don’t know what you want to play next, Bill’s always got something interesting in stock).

You can summon giant men on fire, electrically-charged spiders, and fairys that function as de-facto lanterns. I love The Bard's Tale.

Or, if you’ve had Dragon Age issues with DLC and a fair share of apathy when it comes to remedying said issue, then, like me, you’re still finishing that too. And…all the while eying all the other titles you’ve amassed in the meantime, giving you “come hither” glances from your shelf space.

It is on that note that I should probably issue a written/typed apology to several of those programs, lest they take offense.

1.  Dear Mass Effect 2,

Please know that I can’t way to unlock my Collector’s Edition armor, to caress your brushed steelbook case, to slowly unbuckle the clasps shyly encasing your 2 discs of sheer gaming ecstasy and another reserved for special content.

I’ve taken the liberty of penciling in a date in my Page-A-Day, upon which I will tentatively rub you on the low-level rainforest that is my chest.  I’ve also made a killer mixtape of Michael Bolton and Enya tuns to spoon to.  Spoon positions TBD.  If the night goes well, and you play your cards right, I’ll invite my friend “Iron Man pre-order armor” over, and we’ll make it a night for the ages.

I...AM...IRON MAN...or something that bears a keen approximation to such within the game Mass Effect 2. One of the two.

Here’s the problem, I don’t know exactly what day it’ll be.  If I could I’d have it be every night for eternity…or at least until the end of days and/or the Rapture takes place.  Upon which I’d likely have to atone for the sinful things you and I did.

I promise, one day, like all truly destined lovers, we will meet…and until that day comes when I can rid myself of your comely, yet personality-driven brethren (coughDragonAgecough) my dreams will have to do.

2.  Hey The Saboteur, how’s that shrink-wrapped prison and EA security tag treating ya?

Look, you picked the wrong time to go on sale.  I’d only finished up the Nazi shooting gallery that was Wolfenstein.  I was all “Nazi-ed out,” if you can believe that such a thing is possible.

“Impossible,” you say.

I know.  It does seem impossible.

The above-mentioned scenario will not end well for one of the two participants, care to weigh in on which?

After that experience with a title that handed out achievements like the Titanic handed out lifeboats (namely, sparingly) I was on the prowl for an “achievement-slut” of a game.  Something that wasn’t going to hold back, demand too much of my time, or insist that I return days later for an equally-costly “second play-through.”

In the immortal words of Queen, “I want it all…I want it all…I want it all…and I want it NOW.”  Freddy Mercury, now there’s a guy that knew what he wanted.

So, I found such in the “Red light” bargain bin district title that was Bully: Scholarship Edition. No second play-throughs, no online achievements, no “beat in X amount of time” goals, none of that.  So we had a fling lasting 13 gameplay hours.  Not much to look at, but like all Rockstar titles, she had story and depth in spades.

BULLY, to my understanding, is quite unlike ANYONE'S experience in a prep school setting...but that's probably why it's such an enjoyable game.

Do I think you’ll be a better “Nazi blood spurting” simulator than Raven Software’s take on such?  I certainly think so.  Plus, I need to “set you free” real soon so that I can register my Boobies “Midnight Show” DLC.  Aka, female mammary glands downloadable content.  Listen, I’m going to get what I paid for, especially if it’s a Vichy France gentleman’s club.  Keep putting expiration dates on your DLC, and I’ll kick your teeth in, EA.

Editor’s Note: Since the early drafting of this piece, the author has indeed began playing The Saboteur, and finds it great fun rigging dynamite to Nazi sniper nests.

3.  Midnight Club: LA–Look, it’s not my damn fault that they cut the price ten bucks and threw in all the DLC for free one week later in some “player’s choice” edition.  Every time I think of reaching for you, the above-mentioned anecdote is all that crosses my mind, and boy, does it make it mad.

Well…that may just be the start of a lengthy list of apologies, something I’ll likely delve into at some other point.

*Ahem*

Soo….*awkward pause*  What have you been playin’?

5 Comments

    Well, as you know, I am fully engrossed in Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion. I am glad I have the GotY, so it doesn’t end to soon. Now that I have gotten as far as I have in this play through, I really want Bethesda to make Elder Scrolls V!!! Seriously, I am having a W.O.W. like level of obsession. And loving every minute of it. Now my wife on the other hand……

    So when I decide to give Oblivion a break, I am playing Sonic and the SEGA All Stars Racing on Wii. Thought about getting it on 360, but it just feels more at home on the Wii to me. I like this game SO much more than Mario Kart, even though it is a blatant clone.

    I am enjoying this balance of massive, epic RPG and quick mindless racer.

  • Is it strange that almost every game you’ve mentioned I’ve either 100-percented, or completed to what I consider “100%”, not including extra payable-content that doesn’t interest me (aka, ALL of Dragon Age’s)?

  • By “almost every” i’m sure you mean “a few”.

    Specifically pointing to: Mass Effect 2 and Dragon Age

    Not including: Saboteur, Bully: Scholarship Edition, Wolfenstein, Midnight Club: LA, and I’m guessing Wild Arms and A Bard’s Tale as well (and not FF13 quite yet).

    Also, Achievements are a very superficial way to determine ones progress through a game as there are many parts of games without achievements (examples being Modern warfare 2′s online, and the fact that it’s possible to make it through most of GTA4 without getting more than 300 points.

    Are you suggesting that we change “beating a game” to “getting all the achievements”?

    I’m just saying, lets not go around tooting your own horn.

  • I am playing
    Sacred 2: Fallen Angel
    Resonance of Fate
    Dawn of War II Chaos Rising
    and all of the other games that i haven’t beaten in my game case.

  • AND of course working on the Dragon Age Mod for class.

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